Table for One

I'll just admit it right now. I've never been on a date (I suppose this is where people scratch their heads and then reluctantly agree that it makes sense). So what if a guy never took me on a date? I mean I was asked out on a date through text once and this is how it went:

John Doe: Hey! So I'm moving out of town soon, but I think we should go on a date before I leave.

(I received this in Anatomy class. When I saw the word DATE I freaked out, interrupted my teacher and announced that I had been asked out on a date! Everyone was so happy that it finally happened that I didn't even get in trouble for interrupting or texting in class. True story.)

Me:  Yeah a date sounds like might be fun...

(Now I'm sitting in a car with my divorced classmate freaking out. It took all my willpower and her mothering skills to keep me from saying: "I'm on my way over to your place with matching t-shirts. I'll see you in three minutes!")

John Doe: Great

*Days pass without hearing from him*

Me: Do you have any plans?

John Doe: Well I've been wanting to see Avengers.

Me: Ok, well when would you like to go?

(At this point L-O-S-E-R  comes to mind. Asking over text, not getting back with me about plans, then choosing a hero movie, which I had absolutely no interest in seeing.)

John Doe: idk, maybe Friday?

Me: Ok

John Doe: Hey, do you have a money?

(This is where I'll admit that I was loaded, but he didn't need to know that.)

Me: Nope, clean broke.

John Doe: Oh...

John Doe: Hey, do you have a car? 

(REALLY?)

Me: Nope, I thought you had a car.

John Doe: Yeah, but it died.

Me: Oh

Me: Is there a plan b?

The universe: Cricket noises

It was obvious to the world that I had just been in an awkward situation. Three weeks later two dashing guy friends found their way to my desert oasis. Like a considerate, civialized people they called me up and invited me to go to the Avengers with them. Unwilling to miss out on being with two of my most favorite guys I swallowed my pride and went to a hero movie.

I dressed up, found my friends, sat between them and prepared to enjoy myself. As I watched people walk in I had a devilish glory when my ex-best-friend walked in and saw me sitting on the right of the hottest boy in our high school with the second hottest to my left. Immature, yes. Worth the scathing look I received? Totally!

Right as the lights began to dim a guy that looked familiar walked in with a girl. Feeling like destiny had finally given me a chance to turn the awkward tide I couldn't help myself from having another victory.

I leaned forward and with half loud voice, half whisper I said, "Hya John Doe!" He jumped and with a completely guilty face turned and said, "Oh, hi. I didn't think I'd see you here." Then the lights went out. Leaving me with the upper hand.

The end of my dating story/life.

Now as a powerful, traveled, college woman I'm thinking that any guy who asks me out as got to be in for a treat. I'm not a girl with a string of ex's, hateful about men, or desperate to get married. Wow, now that I think about it, I really am a peach! ;) My friends laugh at me. On any given night when I feel like going out I follow a strict protocol. 

1. Shower, and shave legs. I might not shave my legs for the rest of the month, but on my special night I shave for myself.
2. Dress up in my finest. A girls got to look her best when she's going out for a special night.
3. Do make-up. I normally don't wear make-up and when I do its just mascara, but who's to say mascara isn't enough?
4. Pin up hair in the most attactive style.
5. Decide what I want to do.
6. Go out to dinner. Yes, I sit at a table for one.
7. Enjoy the evening.

I don't do this because I feel like I'm un-dateable so I have to take myself out on the town. I just do this out of habit and for fun. It's fun to dress up for yourself and enjoy an evening to yourself.  Everyone has evenings when their dying to go out, so when I do I just dress up. As my one Aussie friends pointed out, "You're so funny! You only dress up when you go out by yourself!" She's of course right. But my fuzzy socks wouldn't want me any other way.

Fish Food

As I traveled Europe the inevitable thing happened. My feet became really gross! My shoes also began to stink, which I felt like was an unusually unfair case of injustice. Thankfully, I just have never fought with smelly feet during my childhood. But Europe had the special something that made me stink.

The first night in Barcelona I walked into my room and kicked my shoes off. After that one of the Aussie roommates I had began to complain about a weird smell in the room. Then ALL of my roommates began to complain. Sheepishly I had to admit to the truth...I'm thoroughly convinced that the only reason why they didn't throw me and my shoes out of our fifth story window was because, 1) they'd have to touch my shoes, which would have been way too close, and 2) it was a really small window.

Instead of kicking me out on the streets with my shoes we came up with a compromise. I found a plastic sack, threw my shoes in and tied it shut with lightening speed. Then I dashed to the under-bed-lockable-drawer-with-a-lid-safe-keeping-cubby-thingy. An Aussie had bravely volunteered to open it, I threw them in and as fast as we could we closed, locked and pushed the drawer under the bed. Then, hours later, when no one was in the room I grabbed them out from their under-bed prison and ran to the down stairs laundromat where I payed a million euros to wash the criminal weapons of footware.

After that night I continued to fight stinky feet in Europe. My friend and conducted a few tests to see why for no apparent reason my shoes stank. We never figured it out. We'll have to lay that mystery to rest next to the, 'what-is-in-mystery-meat-and-why-do-they-serve-it-in-Elementary-cafeterias-mystery.' in the X-files of life graveyard.

One day as I walked around the adorable Greek island of Paros I saw a sign. I walked by it then did a double take. I stood their in front of someone's business gaping. Now, in Paros, you, yes YOU can have the pedicure of your life! An unforgettable, unique, natural experience that will leave your feet feeling like they just came from a whole new world found under the sea. Don't go back home with nasty feet, and settle for and averaged pedicure experience. Stand out from your friends and have the pedicure that will give you distinction among your fellow co-workers.

After I got over the shock my next though was, "WOW! These fish have been trained in the ancient art of acupuncture and know exactly where to suck on your feet so that your kidneys feel better! What will these fish think of next? Dental school?" Jokes aside, my real thought was, "People pay to have minnows eat their feet?"

Then an extraordinary thing happened. I stood in front of this sign and daydreamed about what this spa experience would be like (I believe it was the totally economic, humane and responsible thing to do. It saved me from having to pay for the treatment, it kept the fish from being exposed the nuclear toxins growing on my feet, and yet I got to live the experience anyway.).

Daydream Disclaimer: 
I rolled up my pants legs only to expose my legs which hadn't been shaved in over two weeks. Then I took off my shoes, peeled the socks from my feet and dipped them into the tank. At first the Sweetish fish (okay they probably weren't from Sweden, but a girl can dream right?) eagerly swam to my feet, excited to practice acupuncture on my feet. They latched on for their first suck on my feet and suddenly realized this was an inhumane trap. This tourist had the worst smelling feet! NO! The brave fish that had been assigned to start at the ankle were now trapped in leg hair as long as Chinese noodles. Between the Bactria that they had suddenly sucked into their tiny unsuspecting bodies and those caught in my leg hairs they would all spend a split second in panic before the whole tank of fish went belly up.
End of daydream, now you may resume reading with safety:

Good thing that was a daydream, 'cause if it that had actually happened I would have died of embarrassment and then someone would have to figure a way to ship my body home.